We’ve all experienced it: you’re in a conversation with someone and you can never get a word in edgewise. They hog the conversation and never ask how you’re doing, what you’ve been up to, or what your thoughts are.

(Admittedly, it’s time to look in the mirror. Think about the last three conversations you had. Did you do all the talking, all the listening, or was it a balanced conversation? Sometimes you’re the one who talks too much!)

When talkers are in your mastermind groups or classes, or if you’re working with them as private clients, colleagues or subcontractors, you need to take action to make sure they don’t dominate the conversation.

Want to learn how to start a mastermind group? Click here to get my free video tutorial on how to create a mastermind group of your own.

Why they do it

I spoke to three different psychologists, and they agree: People who talk too much are not aware they’re doing it. This is a key. It’s unlikely they’re doing is on-purpose or consciously. I always start with this premise when thinking about how to deal with the situation.

There are many reasons why do it; here are the four most common ones:

1. They do it as a reaction to a stressful situation. Talking calms them down and allows them to process their thoughts and feelings.
2. They do it because they need someone to listen to them or pay attention to them; they can’t get that need met elsewhere.
3. They do it as a way to control the conversation and dominate the people in the room.
4. They have much to share and are excited to share their knowledge and experience with others.

Regardless of why they do it, the effects on you and others in the room can range from anger to anxiety. Everyone feels frustrated and unacknowledged when one person dominates the conversation. Plus if your clients are paying you to be in a group experience, they feel angry that they’re paying to be involved but never get a chance to get value from the conversations.

Sometimes, group members can get so frustrated that they form a bond together — against the talker. This destroys the trust and rapport in the group.

How they can harm you, your group and your business

• They waste your energy. When you spend all your time listening to one person speak, your focus can’t be used elsewhere. This is huge if you’re working with a group of mastermind members or in a class situation because your job as the facilitator is to give attention to everyone evenly.
• They waste time. The over-participator can wreak havoc on your meeting agenda or appointment calendar.
• They weaken group trust. When the others in the group can’t participate equally, respect is broken (the backbone of every successful group).

Tips for dealing with the over-participator

There’s an old saying, “Rewarded behavior is repeated behavior.”

The reward for the over-participator is attention.

If you allow this to happen, you are rewarding this disruptive (and toxic) behavior and it will continue.

Here are some tips on taking care of the situation:

1. Admit to yourself that this is an unhealthy conversation that is harming you and the group.
2. Give yourself permission to require boundaries in your meetings (and in your life!) and be willing to enforce those boundaries as necessary.
3. Remember that they’re probably not aware they’re doing it. Starting from a place of good intentions helps you deal effectively with this problem. If you approach it with the idea that the person is simply rude and obnoxious, you’ll do a great disservice to this person. Your mindset will affect the outcome.
4. Tell them what you’re noticing. If possible, give specifics, like, “Sam, in our last three meetings, even though we have a timer set so that everyone gets five minutes to share their best practices, you always go over and won’t stop talking when I ask you to.” Remind them of the harm it’s causing you and others.
5. Ask them to change their behavior. But don’t expect it to happen — they have gotten along for many years with this type of behavior and are unlikely to change this habit just because you ask them to. If they value the group and respect you, they will at least try!
6. Set and manage expectations in advance. When you first get into a business relationship with someone, whether it’s a colleague, your employees, or a client, explain your guidelines about courteous, productive conversations.
7. If you’re in a group conversation, like a mastermind group meeting or class environment, decide how much time each member gets to speak, then stop them mid-sentence if necessary. Say something like, “Mary, you’ve brought up so many good ideas, let’s pause for a moment and let William share some feedback.”
8. Whether you meet with your group in a physical meeting space or a virtual one, body language works wonders. Raise your hand in the “stop” sign (palm out towards the person) and say, “John, I want to make sure everyone has a chance to get involved with the conversation, so hold your thoughts for a moment. Does anyone else have something to add?”
9. Don’t let their crisis become your crisis. They may promise to change their behavior, but when they’re stressed, they may revert back to the old habit. Maintain your rules and boundaries unless everyone in the group has agreed to give this person some additional time.
10. Don’t take the lazy way out. Sometimes it feels easier to simply let them talk, figuring that they’ll eventually run out of steam. This seems like a simple solution, but your passive behavior causes more harm to the group. Everyone is aware that there is an over-participator and they expect you as the group leader to take care of it.

With some practice, you can have these courageous conversations and ask for what you need from any relationship. Are you willing to give it a try?

Want to learn how to start a mastermind group? Click here to get my free video tutorial on how to create a mastermind group of your own.